Ten Signs Your Real Estate Agent is In the Wrong Business

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In today's tough real estate market, it's important to choose your agent carefully. Below, ten signs that may signal your agent needs a new career:

1. He says, "Are you SURE you want to buy now? I mean, the market keeps getting worse, and prices are just going to keep dropping..."

2. She says, "Are you SURE you want to sell now? The market keeps getting better, and prices are just going to keep going up..."

3. He says, "You know, if you stay in your apartment, all your maintenance is taken care of. If you buy a home, you'll have to mow your own lawn, and fix your own leaky faucets."

4. She says, "I think 'for sale' signs are sort of tacky, don't you? You probably don't want one in your yard, right?"

5. He says, "Why don't you take that earnest money, and hit the racetrack? I'll bet your chances of making a profit will be better."

6. She says, "Well, sure, we COULD do an open house, but... do you really want all those strangers in your home?"

7. He says, "I've found perspective buyers really appreciate it when I follow them around, room to room, breathing down their necks. You know - just in case they have questions."

8. She says, "Sure, you have the cash to buy now, but you'd see a better return on your money if you put it into a standard-interest savings account."

9. He says, "A lot of buyers like that 'lived-in' look, so don't worry too much about cleaning the place up."

10. She says, "You can just leave a blank check with me for the earnest money. I'll take care of it."

Is your real estate agent a REALTOR? Mine is, and he's devastatingly handsome, too. (You've met Mr. Wright, right? If you need to buy or sell in a home in North Central Washington, contact him, here.)

Your agent should be a REALTOR, too! Find one at REALTOR.com.

Note: I am not a representative of REALTOR.com or the National Association of REALTORS, nor do I represent the interests of either organization. The humorous post above is neither endorsed nor commissioned by REALTOR.com or the National Association of REALTORS. I just like to spread the word about great organizations I support.

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Upgrading Our Space, Downsizing Our Housing Payment

We've outgrown our house, as families do - well, like OUR family does. When we bought our groovy three-bedroom-two-bath-postage-stamp-sized-yard home, we only had five kids.

I know. I say that like a guy might say, "It's ONLY fifty baseball caps." What can I say? Some people collect cars. I happen to collect kids.

After the babies got too big to stay in our room, the boys left their bedroom and "walled" up a room in the garage. They liked the privacy of being able to play video games and watch movies without anyone bugging them, and we loved them for it. That's a big sacrifice for a pair of teen boys to make. Giving up their room for their tiny sisters was selfless and... well, sweet.

Even with Princess gone, there never seems to be enough room. We're still a family with six kids at home, three dogs, two cats and a 75-gallon aquarium filled with um, some fish. I can't be sure how many, exactly, we have swimming around in there because Mr. Wright has been slacking on his tank cleaning duties. It looks more like someone threw some moving "things" into an oversized punchbowl.

When we bought our home, the real estate market was booming, and I settled into a comfortable pace of editing the writing I'd done over the past ten years to see what was salvageable and what wasn't. The idea was that I was going to write my novel, or produce a volume of poetry, or an anthology of short stories or whatever happened.

That plan worked for a while, but when the bottom fell out of the real estate market a couple years ago, we were hit hard. Extremely hard. We've been through market slumps before, and the fact is that business always picks back up. It's cyclical. The problem is, we can't wait it out anymore. I started doing more freelancing, but I hardly think I'm going to earn enough doing that to make up for the loss of real estate income. I can't tell you the number of real estate professionals I know who have lost their homes or are in the process. The industry was hit HARD. It's really opened my eyes to how so much of the economy is tied to housing. Anyway, our mortgage payment went from "manageable" to "a stretch" to "completely unrealistic."

So, we move. Have I mentioned how much I hate moving? Or how much it sucks?

Perhaps I have. *ahem*

Anyway, this time is different. This time, I LOVE our new house! The kitchen countertops suck, but I can get over that. It has a huge deck! It has 2.5 bathrooms! It has an area where I'm going to put a library! It has walk-in closets! The boys can live INSIDE the house!

What's even better? Oh, yeah. It's just a couple miles away. No moving over any mountain pass for the Wrights THIS time. Aaaaand, it's cutting our housing payment considerably. More space for less money? I'll take it! We're renting, but maybe I'm ready for it to be someone else's job to fix a broken step or a busted water pipe.

Seriously, this house is perfect for us. For now, anyway. Until and unless we grow again. The owner is interested in selling it. I told Mr. Wright to get busy getting the market back in shape so we can buy it - for CASH. Wouldn't that be nice?

Has the economy caused your family to make changes in your lifestyle or budget? Tell me how... You may, of course, comment anonymously on this post.

Photo credit:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/from_linda_yvonne/ / CC BY-NC 2.0

Forget Gitmo… I’ve Been Bikini Shopping

So… they’re closing Gitmo. Rumor has it United States government agencies have been engaging in some pretty inhumane tactics at Guantanamo Bay Detention Facility in the hope of extracting information from detainees about alleged terrorist activities. Why does a leading world power like the United States waste resources on questionable physical and psychological tactics, which may or may not elicit confessions from detainees?

Wouldn’t it be cheaper and more effective to force prisoners to try on a never-ending collection of bathing suits that just don’t fit right?

Hmmm? What’s that? You say The Gonzo Mama’s finally showing the strain of mothering seven kids? You say she’s finally severed the last tiny thread of sanity she’s been clinging to?

Take my word for it. Choosing to try on bathing suits is the single most masochistic act a woman can engage in. In fact, the psychological torture is so great, we don’t even bring it up when conversations turn to the topic of human rights. It’s simply too shocking for those who have not experienced it themselves.

Imagine the horror of being repeatedly subjected to intense ridicule and evil laughter from dressing room mirrors as you try on, in exhaustive procession, every style of bathing suit offered in every department store in the known universe. Not terrifying enough? Imagine that all the designers of the world conspired each year to make you look fifteen pounds heavier than your actual weight by using the most unflattering cuts possible. Still not scared? Add another five pounds to your image, courtesy of “ulgy-fying” fluorescent lights in the dressing rooms.

Times are tough, though. Our economy is faltering, and our national deficit is unfathomable. I’m willing to break the code of silence for the greater good. Let’s talk about what is allegedly happening at Gitmo, and let’s talk about how we can accomplish the same thing with Lycra® or Spandex® swim attire.
If my program is successful (and it will be), it could be expanded to simplify interrogation processes for kidnappers, AIG officials… Martha Stewart.

Sleep deprivation. I’ve lost many a night’s sleep worrying and dreading an upcoming shopping excursion for the purpose of finding a bathing suit. Just knowing that I will be trying on suit after suit and succeeding only in accentuating my cellulite and stretch marks is more than enough to cause insomnia. Why make it someone’s job to keep a prisoner awake all night? Why not just hang a dozen bikinis over the door, with an attached note reading, “Tomorrow morning you’ll be giving a fashion show!” The payroll savings alone would be staggering.

Isolation. Prisoners at Gitmo are not allowed to have contact with friends and family. I suspect they are also not allowed to attend pool parties or beach barbecues. Ha! I guarantee, if those same prisoners were wearing an unflattering “tankini,” they’d be happy to stay indoors and answer a few questions.

Food deprivation. Seriously, this is a no-brainer. Most women willingly self-starve prior to bathing suit season. Enough said. Next topic.

Look, I’m not saying that things don’t need to change at Gitmo. I’m just asking if closing it down is really necessary. I mean, Guantanamo Bay sounds really pretty. In fact, I’ve heard it’s a great place for waterboarding.

That’s like surfing, right?

Recession Got You Down? The Gonzo Mama's Do-It-Your-Damn-Self Guide to Couture

My friends over at LipstickDaily.com are much more in tune with the season’s hot, must-have fashion elements, for some reason. Maybe because, unlike me, Kate and Elaine actually have jobs which call for a style of dress that does not include pajama pants, kids’ t-shirts and ball caps.

Maybe because, unlike me, Kate and Elaine have jobs, period.

Kate’s post, “The ‘It’ Shoe for Summer 2009,” featured, in all its glory, a gorgeous Prada sandal with a cork platform and a darling bow. I suggested that, given the recession, I might just hot-glue some wine corks to the bottom of last summer’s flip-flops (incidentally, the recession has not affected the influx of new wine corks into my home).

In the spirit of adding some glam while tightening the belt – so to speak – I am attempting the following alternatives to selling off one of my seven darlings (who all dress better than I do, by the way) to finance my image update:

1. Instead of this Fendi keychain, I will be commandeering my cat’s identification tag, adding a dab of superglue, and affixing an artfully folded gum wrapper. Photo taken from thisnext.com.


2. Instead of this Marc by Marc Jacobs belt, my luggage strap will be doing double duty. Photo from Teen Vogue



3. Instead of this 3.1 Phillip Lim dress, I will be stapling my café curtains around my body... somewhat artfully. Photo taken from theinsider.com

4. Instead of this trendy, fur-trimmed coat by Versace, I will be bedecking my bathrobe with remnants of shag carpet, left over from the last time my husband’s office was redecorated. Yeah, it’s been that long. Photo taken from kaboodle.com



It’s tough staying at the height of fashion on a budget. The nation is, after all, in the throes of economic crisis; and my family is no exception. Think about it… my husband is married to a woman who relies on print media to pay the bills.

Are you reading this on the Internet?!

Shame on you, taking food out of the mouths of seven children, and depriving their mama of her Prada platforms! Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.