Showing posts with label sistas are doin' it for themselves. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sistas are doin' it for themselves. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Getting Your Garden Ready

Photo source
What I don’t know about gardening would just barely cover the Pacific Ocean. I wasn’t born with a green thumb, and my severe allergies to pollen and bees pretty much ensured I’d never develop one.

Anything I’ve tried to cultivate has spitefully funneled its energy into dying—quickly, and with abandon. So, I mostly adopt a hands-off approach when it comes to things growing in my yard or garden. Sure, I have the kids or Mr. Wright mow the lawn, but I try not to mess with the flowers too much.

I may not know a weed from wisteria, but one thing I do know when I see it is “ugly.” Brown, dead foliage is ugly, and I always assume, since it’s already dead, I can’t do much more damage. I took an antihistamine and ventured into the out-of-doors a couple days ago. Brave, I know. The flowers in the back yard had updated their spring palettes and opted for ostentatious displays of lemon-yellow, bright fuchsia and violet.

There was also a lot of dead stuff. Broken, crisp leaves and decaying flowers crowded around the bottoms of the plants, and I started plucking them by the handful. I got jabbed and sliced by a few thorns, but the ease with which the lifeless branches and shoots pulled away from the living stems entranced me, and I kept going, throwing the expired material into a pile.

It took a few hours, and when I was done, all that was left was color. Beautiful, glorious flowers topped vivid green stems and nestled among the bright leaves.

Did I mention it took hours? I had a lot of time to think about things I don’t spend much time thinking about—like myself. I’ve been a busy, busy bee lately, and I’ve lost a bit of focus. I’ve taken on a lot of projects, people and plans; and something has to give.

As the flower beds became tidy and de-cluttered, it was clear to me that life is much the same way—dead things fall easily away from the living root, figuratively speaking. I don’t mean it’s going to be easy once your beloved dog is dead, or Grandma passes on. I’m just talking about the spiritually dead things we fill our lives with.

I struggle with giving up activities, projects and people I feel obligated to serve or have invested a great deal of time in. I agonize over letting go of things because I erroneously believe they define me. I’m a member of (fill in my favorite club/group/organization du jour), or I hold the title of (insert my current occupation), or I’m known for being really dedicated to (plug in my passion of the moment).

It’s time to clear away the dead stuff. You know, the standing monthly lunch date with the friend who criticizes; or the sport you keep playing, even though it’s beginning to feel like a burden; or the volunteer work you feel like you can’t refuse, even though it makes you resentful?

If we walked away for a month, would those things easily fall away, like dead leaves? Or would we miss them, aching for their return? Are we allowing dead things to define us? I’m speaking figuratively, of course. The happy Elvis impersonator is, by necessity, defined by a dead thing. I’m not talking about him.

Let’s talk about the birds and the bees. Don’t worry—I’m not going to launch into a human sexuality lesson. I mean the literal birds and bees. While out in the flower beds, the birds were singing and flitting about gaily, as if urging me along in my purging project, while the bees angrily buzzed around me, as if saying, “Get out of here. Leave well enough alone.”

I, for one, have too many bees in my life, and sometimes their buzz drowns out the song of the birds, encouraging and praising me. I do believe I’m in the market for a course on insect extermination. Figuratively speaking, of course.

How’s your garden shaping up?

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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Skate or Die? Um… When Do You Need My Decision?

Photo by Hayley of Hayley's Horror Hut,
a.k.a. Prima Donatello, the webmistress
of Apple City Roller Derby
I should be skating right now—or, at least, wanting to skate. At the moment, I have no idea where my skates are, and I’m wondering how long I can claim I “can’t” find them.

Did I mention I’m moving? Maybe those skates will get lost in the move. I should be so lucky.

Back in January, I determined there is no room in the Year of YES for a derby girl dropout, but the prospect is becoming increasingly attractive. Every week, fewer and fewer girls show up, and everyone understands when a derby sister says, “I can’t roll with you girls anymore. I have to put my job/family/marriage/whatever first.”

I have seven kids. I’m not doing an excellent job of meeting the contract deadline for my cookbook. I just launched a new business. Did I mention I’m moving? If my mighty list of why-nots aren’t adequate, I also have The Foot.

The Foot is currently the bane of my existence, and the primary reason I’m finding all sorts of excuses not to skate.

Derby tracks turn left—always left. No one blows a whistle or announces over the loudspeaker, “It’s time for… reverse skate!” Sadly, like Derek Zoolander, I can’t turn left. For Derek, not being an ambi-turner meant losing runway contracts. For me it means wide, sloppy turns that make me a prime candidate for being forced off the track—or worse, rolling off it myself.

It’s all The Foot’s fault. My left foot turns inward at an angle so slight I lived 35 years before noticing it. Of course, I wasn’t on skates, with more protective gear than an NFL linebacker, trying to squat and navigate a hairpin on skates for even one second of those 35 years. When I roll forward, The Foot gradually “snowplows” into its straight counterpart on the right, ensuring I’ll learn to eat track. A lot of track.

I called my derby friend, Mia Feral, for advice. Mia suggested padding the inside of my skate to force The Foot into alignment, allowing me to skate in a straight line and “deftly leftly” cruise around the turns. Brilliant!

Sadly, The Foot didn’t buy it. Learning to eat track with a queen-sized pillow shoved into the front of my skate was neither fun nor effective. I tried loosening the front truck (it holds the front wheels in place) on my left skate to give my wheels a little more “play” and transferring my weight to the outside of The Foot, but only ended up with blisters and a bum ankle.

Now, I’m looking into structurally modifying my left skate by offsetting the plate (which holds the trucks in place) to the same degree as The Foot’s angle. That means drilling new holes in the bottom of my skate, and finding a huge protractor to stand on to measure The Foot’s degree of defiance. It will also mean a bit of drag when I skate, if I can skate at all, so I’ll be working my left leg harder than my right, which will probably give me a really interesting physique, in time.

I’m pretty much ready to quit. Except...

A couple weeks ago, I got a ride to the skating rink in Soap Lake with a young woman who had two canes propped in the back seat of her car. I didn’t ask any questions until my driver used those canes to make her way through the parking lot and into the rink. Readers, you know me—I’m a nosy mama. I asked my new friend what the deal was with the canes.

She had an inexplicable stroke last year. Her therapists were doubtful she’d walk again. Now, all she wants to know from her doctors is when she can SKATE.

There’s a reason our league motto is “Suck it up, Princess.” No matter what challenges I face with kids, moving, work, or The Foot, there will always be someone out there, showing me what it means to truly persevere. Now, I need to establish whether The Foot will simply defy me, or remarkably define me.

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Saturday, January 22, 2011

Skating with the Apple City Roller Derby Girls

Photo by Hayley of Hayley's Horror Hut
So, here's a quick update on my Year of YES:


1. I jumped into the freezing waters of Lake Chelan during Winterfest 2011. Dunked my head and everything. It was raining. The beach was ankle-deep mud. It sucked. But - I did it!


2. I've been skating with the Apple City Roller Derby girls. We're currently traveling an hour-plus to the nearest roller rink, just to get used to being on wheels, because we don't have a rink in our 'hood. I don't totally suck on skates, but there are a lot of derby-specific moves and techniques I'll have to learn before taking the skills test to compete.


Did you know there's a skills test? Well, there is. And it's going to be hard, if my current skill level is any indication.


I haven't had any major wipe-outs. In fact, I haven't fallen once! Which is why, I think, I have a false sense of mastery.


Perhaps the best part of skating with the derby girls is the excuse to wear all the cute skirts I've been hoarding in my closet. (See photo.) Plus? I can totally get away with wearing leg warmers for no reason other than they're badass when paired with a short skirt.


The worst part is definitely wearing rental skates. Ugh. I changed skates four times last night before finding a pair that were moderately structurally sound, and that was before I started thinking about the potential for athlete's foot, toenail fungus and perhaps even hepatitis lurking inside the boots.


I must get my own skates. Pronto.


3. Stand-up comedy is still on my list. I'm thinking I still have about eleven months to make good on this, so I'm keeping my ears open for an open mic comedy night, but not aggressively pursuing it at this very moment. After all, I have a cookbook to write and fishnets to buy, right?


How are you all doing on your resolutions?


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Wednesday, June 9, 2010

There's a Reason Agents Get 15 Percent

So, you’ve written a book. Congratulations! That’s the easy part.

Now, get ready to find an agent. I like to think there are three primary methods of securing an agent:


  1. The Set-Up. You know someone who knows someone who met someone who had the business card of an agent. Or, you are fortunate enough to know an author who has an agent and is willing to recommend your manuscript to his agent.
  2. The Blind Date. You perform Internet searches into the wee hours of the morning, reading agent profiles and sending queries to those you feel a connection to. After a few rejections, you lower your standards. Your new mandate becomes the ability to fog a mirror.
  3. The Destined Deal. By luck, you’re seated next to an agent on an airplane or an agent trips over your laptop cord as you pound the keys in a coffee shop. A conversation about your manuscript ensues, and the agent produces a contract from his briefcase, ready for your signature.


Your agent’s job is finding a publisher for your book, and getting you the best advance and royalties possible. The agent takes a hefty chunk, but you don’t care. She’s worked hard, pimping your manuscript. You’re a grateful little book hooker, and your book gets published.

If you can’t find a book pimp of your very own, there are other ways to get your tome off your hard drive and into the hands of your adoring fans:


  1. Compete for Publication. Some publishing houses run contests which award winners with publication. Contests may or may not charge entrants a reading fee, and may or may not offer a cash advance upon acceptance of the winner’s manuscript. Publishers don’t like to take chances; they want to print books that will sell. If your book is atypical in genre, length or style, you’re not likely to find yourself among the finalists.
  2. Go to the Source. Most large publishing houses don’t accept queries from writers. Instead, they rely on agents to prescreen manuscripts and submit only the best. Remember, in publishing, “best” means most marketable with highest sales potential. Some smaller presses will entertain queries from authors and negotiate contracts directly with writers. Since small presses have small budgets, an author may get little to no advance and a small royalty per book sold.
  3. Do-It-Your-Damn-Self. The stigma of self-publishing is actually relatively new, and already fading. Margaret Atwood, Zane Grey, Benjamin Franklin, Ernest Hemingway, Mark Twain and Edgar Allan Poe are just a few authors who self-published. For a modern-day self-publishing success story, one need only look as far as The Shack by William P. Young, which has sold millions of copies and spent over 100 weeks on the New York Times best-seller list.


I chose Publishing Option 3 for my first book, Everything I Need to Know About Motherhood I Learned from Animal House. That means I have no publisher to market my book, plan a book tour, or provide promotional materials. I know absolutely nothing about any of those tasks. I’m learning as I go.

If you’re lucky enough to secure an agent, and that agent manages to place your book with a publisher, or if you find your way into a publisher’s heart on your own, it will be someone’s job to send copies of your book to important people in the world for reviews.

Should you choose Publishing Option 3, plan to go into the world to find important people on your own. Beg them to review your book. Offer to babysit their kids or weed their gardens. Get them drunk, take photos of them shaking their groove thangs, and promise not to post the pictures on Facebook if they’ll write a review.

Call any relatives within a 200-mile radius and ask if they know a local business owner willing to host a book signing. Ask how many people they can con into showing up at the local self-serve pet wash for an event titled, “Books, Bubbles and Bones.” Voila! A book tour.

Speaking of book tours, I’m hoping you’ll all show up at Riverwalk Books on Friday, June 18th, at 7:00 p.m. for my very first book signing. Can’t make it? You can still order signed copies right here, on my website. Did I mention they make great Father’s Day gifts?

Would you care to review the photos I’m preparing to upload to Facebook before deciding on your purchase?


Tuesday, May 4, 2010

I Only Associate with Geniuses. Buy Their Books.

Have I ever mentioned how amazingly talented my friends are? Talk about literary genius! The only reason I hang out with them is because I'm secretly hoping they'll spill the beans and give away their secrets for juggling careers, kids, husbands, divorces, sailing around the world, backpacking through third-world countries and writing while somehow staying alarmingly beautiful and getting the hook up with publishers.

Perhaps you remember Corbin Lewars? She calls me Angelina. As in, Jolie. A har-de-har-har reference to my collection of children, I assume. I'm certain it's not the result of my lip plumper. Anyway, Corbin's book recently hit the shelves of your favorite local independent bookstore. I haven't snatched up my copy yet, but I've read and heard excerpts and can't wait to read the rest!

You can order it from your local indie bookstore using the link below:








Some may say it's not enough to have one genius friend, and some are right. That's why I keep Monica Murphy LeMoine on my list of names to drop. Monica's book is - believe it or not - a humorous memoir of miscarriage and stillbirth, among other things. Believe me when I tell you you'll find yourself laughing, and not even feeling guilty about laughing at a Dead Baby Momma. Well, not very guilty, anyway.

Support the amazing Monica (who just gave birth to a baby boy - welcome, Sean!) by ordering her book through the link below. (For some reason, Indiebound can't locate her. I'm going to send you through Amazon for this one - for now. As soon as she gets into the Indiebound catalog, I'll update this link!)


Are you jealous of my freakishly talented, hot friends yet? I know you are. That's why I'm going to rub it in and share again about Janna Cawrse Esarey's book, which is amazing, entertaining, and just plain great to read.

Keep your dollars local by shopping indie through the link!


Forget personal trainers and lipsuction... If I'm going to keep this kind of company, I need a publishing contract to look good.

Visit my friends online. Let them know how awesome they are.




Thursday, February 11, 2010

Like I Said... Fame and Fortune

Maybe you thought I was exaggerating a wee bit when I said I was on the road to fame and fortune.

O, ye of little faith!

I've recently been published in Hip Mama #45. In fact, if you look closely, you'll see I made the cover ("Child Rearing Lessons from the Frat House")! Since Hip Mama was the original breakout indie mama zine, I've always wanted to be published within its prestigious pages, and now I've succeeded. I actually cried a little when my issue arrived and I saw I got a cover blurb.



You can buy it here.

I've also been included in the new Mamaphiles! This is #4, and it's called Raising Hell. In case you didn't know, Mamaphiles is a collaborative effort of the superstars of mama zinehood. Oh, yeah... they let some daddy zinesters in now. Anyway, believe me when I say it's a BIG DEAL and an honor to be included in the project.



I don't have any copies printed yet, so you can order it for now here or here.

When I get back from Japan, I'll have some printed up and you can purchase it through me.

As if ALL THAT weren't exciting enough, I'm going to be doing a reading in my beloved city of Chelan at the historic Ruby Theater on February 24th. The event will be put on by Write on the River, and it's FREE. Check out the deets!

So, yeah. I'm pretty much a rockstar these days. Somehow, I still remember to come back and write for you good people...



What good news or accomplishment has made you happy recently? Tell me all about it!


Monday, August 17, 2009

California Readers: Help a Mother Out and "Give Cheeks a Chance!"

I'm so honored to have been asked by my dear Twitter friend, @whimsicalwalney, to help out with publicizing this awesome project! If you are in California, and there is a project in your area, please do what you can to help out. Outside the project areas? Not in California? Why not start a campaign in your hometown? The organizers of Help a Mother Out would be delighted to give you recommendations on how to get started!

So many families have to choose between food, rent, or diapers... We all know which will win. I cringe at the thought of a baby or child in a single diaper all day in the summer heat - or any time, for that matter. It certainly doesn’t contribute to healthy children or healthy families so that’s why I'm joining in asking people to “give cheeks a chance” and donate whatever they are able to this campaign. Even one small pack of diapers makes a difference!

The basics

Here is the background information on the Help a Mother Out (HAMO) volunteer campaign: http://www.helpamotherout.org/?page_id=750.

More about the diaper drive on September 9, 2009

In order to have the big push of a month-long diaper drive in September, an event with the tagline of “Give Cheeks a Chance” was organized to be held on the same day (9/09/09) in several cities throughout California which are: San Jose (@sarahntastic), Oakland (@helpamotherout), and Los Angeles (@houseofprince). Each event is catering to the local audience therefore they all have a different flare to them.

Here is the HAMO press release: http://www.helpamotherout.org/?page_id=1362

@whimsicalwalney helped with the initial organization of the overall drive and then went to work doing what she can to support @sarahntastic in San Jose to make it a bang-up event with great swag bags and two grand prize gift baskets (local to San Jose)! They will also be asking the online community to participate by donating online via Amazon wishlists. When participants donate online, they will be entered for the virtual participants’ raffle being held for (at least) two of the gift bags. They are still collecting items for the bags are focused on fun products and coupons that everyone in the family can enjoy. Once they are finalized, they’ll be able to publish the contents of the bags.

Won't you help a mother out and "Give Cheeks a Chance?"