Monday, September 14, 2009

Belts Are the New Lace Panties

I’m not one to admit defeat easily, but I must confess that I am still unable to comprehend the fashion sense of today’s teens. Chalk another point for the generation gap.

The jeans boys must – and do – wear are loose enough to hang halfway off boxer shorts-clad buttocks. When I first saw this startling spectacle on a young man, I thought, “How sad that his parents can’t buy him pants that fit… Look how loose they are! Either they’re hand-me-downs, or he lost a lot of weight recently.”

Little did I know, the saggy kid labored over finding a pair of pants with just the right amount of droop and a pair of underwear with colors just bright enough to make any passerby unable to tear his or her eyes away from the absolutely tragic collage of flannel, denim and bare boy butt.

Fortunately, the long, baggy t-shirt is frequently added to the ensemble, so most innocent bystanders have a chance of missing the “fashion flashin’,” unless the boy happens to be reaching high overhead, bending over, flying through the air on his skateboard or raising the back of his shirt to scratch his behind. Let’s face it – boys are typically engaged in one of these activities a majority of the time. That’s why The Belt is so important.

Picture it: School shopping, 2009… Pockets is thrilled with the belt he’s found. It’s black. It’s leather. It’s… covered in white metal studs?

“Um,” I begin, then stop. “Uh…” I try again. “Huh,” I manage. “That’s a wide, white belt. I haven’t seen one of those since Herb Tarlek from WKRP in Cincinnati made them the signature item for the tackily-dressed man. Metal studs, eh? You know, I could have B’Dazzled you a belt, if I’d known you wanted one…”

Pockets and The Dude launch their synchronized eye rolling routine. It’s really a spectacular feat to achieve the perfect timing, and I’m sure they’ll go pro, eventually. I’m their mother, so naturally I’m a huge fan.

“However, I am thrilled that you’ve found a belt that you like, so your pants won’t hang around the bottom of your caboose anymore,” I say. “Put it on! Let’s see!”

I see the belt poke through each belt loop. I see the buckle get buckled. Strangely, it does nothing for the elevation of the waistband. What a disappointment. Then, I watch as my fashion-savvy kid pulls his long t-shirt down, completely covering the embellished belt.

“What? You get a blinged out belt, and then you cover it up so no one can see it?” I don’t even try pretending I’m not confused.

Again, the eyes roll. Their timing is getting even more precise and – dare I say it – they’ve even added a little flair to the act. Impressive. High marks for artistic expression!

Sighing, The Dude explains, “Look, you get the blinged out belt. You wear it under your shirt, and if your shirt happens to hike up, people will see it. Or you can tuck just a bit of your shirt in… in the front. Like this.” He demonstrates. There’s a little tiny flash of shiny white metal showing. “See? Just a hint. It’s cool.”

Well, I never! Who would wear a piece of clothing that no one sees, except in cases of an accident or when discreetly flashed? That makes no sense at all! Does it?

Photo credit: / CC BY-NC-SA 2.0


  1. Ahh, KIDS! How old is the little nipper?

  2. Well, these particular nippers are 15 and 16 years old. Boys. So, you know, I don't know ANYTHING.

  3. Very funny and good to know what I'm in for down the road. My boy is just 14 months so right now I walk on water (as long as Dad isn't in the room).

  4. My husband is a high school teacher and he always amazed at the clothes, or lack thereof...

  5. For years I've been telling my almost 14 year old boy to pull his pants up, quit sagging please. He learned the "sagging" pants fashion from his brother who is 10 years older than him...

    Now? I WISH he would wear sagging pants. See, he's a "skater" and thus must wear pants that look like they are painted on. WAY too tight, EVERYWHERE, I'm always surprised that he can sit down in them.

    One of this, two of the other. I can't win even when I do win!


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