Sunday, January 23, 2011

Derby Gurlz, Psychosis, and - Oh! I Shoulda Been Born a Man

Check out GirlWonder and Pepper... Derby girls in training!
As I said, the derby girls have been traveling great distances to get to a skating rink until we all get our skates and our practice space becomes available. While driving over an hour each way might normally suck, I've hitched a ride the last two nights, and it's been amazingly cool. There's great music and entertaining discussion on the way, and sometimes, I even shut up and listen long enough to learn I'm not the only one in the world who's entertaining.

One of the things I'm hoping to gain from derby is the ability and desire to relate to women. Sure, I've had girlfriends over the years, but I'm always guarded; holding back in my relationships. It's a barrier I want to break down. My closest friends have always been guys, and while that has its benefits (I can be vulgar and I don't have to put on makeup or shave my legs if I don't feel like it), I've always wanted to have girlfriends. I just haven't known how to trust women enough to make that happen.

I pretty much just suck at being a good friend. I have a short attention span and a mind that runs wild with perceived rejection, and my counselor even told me I have a trace of teh BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). That's a psychosis, so y'all can go settle your bets now, m'kay?

Maybe that's why it's easier to get along with men, who don't require as much in the way of emotional attachments - except Mr. Wright, who is the neediest of needy men when it comes to his emotional upkeep. It's like he's just going to fall down and die at one harsh word:
All I said was, "Honey, who told you you could wear white?"

Trust me - he's very much a man in the ways that matter, but when it comes to his feelings... he wants to talk about them and rehash them and cry like a little girl when I hurt them. And, I do hurt them. Not on purpose, of course, but I'm pretty aloof some (or maybe most) of the time, and maybe I should have been born a man so I could get away with that stuff.

The not talking about feelings, I mean.

Not the peeing standing up. I'm content to sit or squat, as the occasion may require.
I've been to Japan, yo.

Feelings make me nervous. I don't deal well with my own, and I pretty much freak out when people want to start talking about theirs. I'm not the girl to call if you want to "talk it out." I'll listen to a girl go on and on about her failing relationship or how she's disappointed with her kid or how her boss is treating her unfairly, and the whole time I'm thinking, But... how do you feel about ME?

Have I mentioned I have an unnatural fear of rejection?

I also have a really hard time with eye contact. Any time I'm speaking, I'm self-conscious. The last thing I want to do is look someone in the eye and see them snorting in an attempt to stifle their snickering at my awkwardness.

What's that? What did you say?

Well, no - I can't prove people are doing that. No, I haven't seen anyone do it, but it's because I'm looking down at the ground the entire time. Good thing, huh?

Anyway, hordes of people think I'm self-absorbed and snotty because I don't look them in the eye when they/I are/am speaking. They probably think I'm squirrelly, too, huh?

I'm having a great time skating with the girls, though, and I'm looking forward to being on the ground level and helping to build something great in our valley. At this point, I feel pretty safe because I'm still allowed an arm's length of emotional distance, since I don't really know most of the girls.

I made vegan double chocolate mini-cupcakes last night and frosted them with coconut almond "cream cheese" frosting. When I unveiled them at the rink, I think my message was pretty clear:

I don't care if you think I'm a standoffish bitch. I make killer cupcakes. Oh, and please LOVE ME!

I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but I write so I don't have to talk to people. I get all nervous and anxious in social situations because I'm not good at them. So I'm hoping I can figure it out with the derby girls. It's not about skating. It's about undoing a lifetime of social ineptitude.

It didn't say that in the registration packet, but I'm sure it was just an oversight.

Readers: Do you recognize any personality quirks in yourself that make you a little bit crazy? How would you go about changing them?

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1 comment:

  1. Ummm, derby girls are some of the funniest, raunchiest, wackiest gals that I have ever had the fortune to friend. NEVER have I seen a man with bigger balls than the ladies I have met on the track. After the bumps and bruises that are inflicted, you give eachother hugs and say, "that was awesome! You beat the hell out of me!" (even though that may be impossible, there are still girls who try).
    Not to worry, my friend, you will be FORCED to love each other, to look out for each other, to care for each other. That's what derby sisters are all about.


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