My Husband Humiliated Me with a Cheeseburger

Get my recipe for a divine burger alternative here.

The email notification pinged on my Blackberry. It was a message from a reporter, seeking information on local vegans for a piece she is doing on veganism for a lifestyle magazine. Would I be interested in participating? You bet your sweet potato, I was interested!

I dialed the reporter’s number from the passenger seat of the car while Mr. Wright drove around, running errands. She thanked me for calling, and asked me questions such as, “What led you to follow a vegan diet?” and “What advice do you have for those who’d like to try a vegan diet?”

The answers came easily, and for once, I expressed myself eloquently with just the right amount of humor balanced with emotion, intellect and compassion. I was brilliant!

She asked me if my entire family followed a vegan diet, just as Mr. Wright pulled into the high school parking lot to pick up Pepper. No, I explained, the rest of the family is omnivorous. However, the meat in our freezer is either hunted by Mr. Wright, or raised by extended family under humane and hormone-free conditions.

“I really think there’s more integrity in the meat my family eats than in that found at the grocery store meat counter,” I said. “The animals didn’t live a life of suffering, as is so common in commercial farming. They existed in nature, or in a compassionate, well-monitored environment.”

I was on a roll, driving home my point that, although veganism might not be for everyone, we can all make conscientious decisions about our food. Did I mention I was brilliant?

At that very moment, Mr. Wright made a sharp left turn into the drive-thru of an establishment which represents the very antithesis of the point I was making. I won’t name names, here, but suffice it to say all my credibility on the ethics of eating was destroyed when he rolled down the window and started rattling off, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, Quarter Pounder, Big Mac and a McChicken… Pepper, do you want anything else?”

Have you seen the movie Pulp Fiction? Never have I more desired to resurrect the classic line, “…I’m hanging up the phone! Prank caller! Prank caller!” I asked for the entire incident to be stricken from the record, but… I’ll have to wait, with the rest of you, to see what the final article includes.

By the way, do you know why divorce attorneys are so expensive? Because sometimes, they’re worth it.

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