Tuesday, December 21, 2010

My Mom Tried to Buy Me Porn for Christmas

Photo by D Sharon Pruitt
As a writer, I know the difference one single letter can make. Maya, a dear friend and publisher, once printed a thousand copies of a book in which “taping” was accidentally typed “raping.”

That, my friends, is why I read my work out loud before I run it, as often as possible.

It’s different with the whole texting thing. I rarely proofread text messages before I send them off, and so far, I haven’t made any critical mistakes. That is, until now – and it just figures that I would make that embarrassing error while texting my mother.

About a year ago, my cell phone buzzed, alerting me to a new text message. I opened my inbox. GUESS WHAT DAD GOT ME FOR MY BIRTHDAY? it read. Although the callback number was my mom’s, I found it hard to believe my mother was texting.

A teenager to send text messages for you? I responded.

It was just the beginning, of course. Mom must also have learned to use Google at the same time, because clearly, she found a guide to texting abbreviations somewhere and in short order started sending me texts like: K... C U L8R! My kids don’t even abbreviate to that point, and still, every message was entirely in capital letters, indicating my mother was shouting at the top of her lungs every time she sent a cellular quip. Let’s face it – fine is a far cry from FINE.

The next time I saw Mom, I asked if she was angry with me. At her blank look, I explained using all capitals in a text message was the same as yelling. She laughed and said she didn’t know how to change the case of the letters. I showed her how to disable the caps lock and reminded her to only use all caps when she intended to scream.

Mom recently texted to ask me what the kids, Mr. Wright and I wanted for Christmas. I responded with a lengthy reply, ending with a gift certificate for me from Zazzle.com. I’d designed an entire line of Gonzo Mama merchandise, and wanted to order some stock for my book signings. (Check out the entire Gonzo Mama line!) Anyway, I accidentally replaced the first letter of “Zazzle” with another, and Mom went clicking around the interwebs, trying to order my gift certificate.

The next texts I received were:

  • R u sure this is what u want?
  • Having trouble finding a place 2 order gift certs here... 
and
  • It sez COMING SOON?


Confused, I pulled up the Zazzle site, where the link to order gift certificates was clearly functioning and prominently displayed. I sent Mom a response, asking her for the URL she was viewing. She sent me the web address I’d sent her – with the typo.

I then went to check out the page she’d been viewing. Sure enough, there was not a link to purchase a gift certificate, and the site did say “coming soon,” but the entire phrase was, instead, “COMING SOON: Readers’ Wives Photos!” and the site certainly wasn’t selling anything the Gonzo Mama would put her name or face on.

In certain situations, a phone call is more appropriate than a text, and I determined this to be one of them. I hastily dialed my mother’s number, and when she picked up, I began shouting, “Don’t click on anything! Go away from that page, Mom!”

She asked, “Are you angry with me? Because you’re using your ALL CAPS voice...”


3 comments:

  1. LMAOOOO! Really, really loudly!

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  2. a friend recommended you blog, and i'm so glad she did! i am a new vegan, well... trying. my hubby had a serious health scare recently & the doctor said the best thing we could do to help his heart get strong and healthy again was to do our best to eat vegan.

    these cookies look amazing! i'm so excited about all the new food possibilities! and glad i found your site :)

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  3. Lizzie, thanks for stopping by! You'll find lots of family-friendly and husband-pleasing recipes here.

    The key in going vegan for many people is making small changes, one at a time - like using animal-free margarine instead of butter or soy milk in your coffee instead of creamer. That way, it's not so scary or shocking to the mind.

    I stopped eating meat when I was 14, and my mom made me attend vegetarian nutrition classes before I did. I'm very grateful, because it built a good foundation for my vegan life, which started when I was 21 or so.

    The hardest thing for me to part with was cheese, and back then (I'm 35 now), vegan cheeses pretty much all had the taste and consistency of cardboard. They've come a LONG way since then, I'm pleased to say!

    Best of luck to you! Stop in often, and please let me know if you have any questions. :)

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