The Center for Disease… whatever.

I am pleased to inform you that my family has survived the wretched Flu Epidemic of 2008.

Hmm? What’s that? You say you didn’t hear there was an epidemic?

Did you miss it on CNN? I’ll recap:

• Monday AM – Two year-old, Snugglebug, begins projectile vomiting.
• Monday PM – Three year-old, Curlytop, joins her sister. They projectile vomit in assorted colors.
• Tuesday AM – Ten year-old, GirlWonder, repaints her bedroom in stylish “vomit” scheme. Doesn’t go to school. Babies are feeling much better and celebrate by opening front door and running down block in just diapers while Mom is in shower. Mom panics and runs through neighborhood in towel.
• Tuesday PM – Fourteen and fifteen year-old sons, Pockets and The Dude, return from school. They vomit. Twelve year-old daughter, Pepper, vomits. Mom posts sign on front door: “DANGER! High-Speed Vomit!”
• Wednesday AM - Mom takes babies to appointment, since they are “fine” now. Walks into doctor’s office and two year-old vomits on wall, floor and Mom. Mom apologizes profusely to receptionist, changes two year-old into clean clothes. Two and three year-old girls synchronize filling of their pants with diarrhea, which runs down their legs. Mom grabs a baby under each arm and runs, without rescheduling. Pepper and boys still puking.
• Wednesday PM - Dad pukes… and pukes. Babies puke. Mom says she can’t stand any more puking and is running away from home. Gets to driveway and pukes.
• Thursday AM – Eighteen year-old, Princess, says she feels like puking but isn’t going to, because she’s running for ASB President and doesn’t have time. Family disowns her.

Can we even count on the Center for Disease Control to publicize these large-scale outbreaks anymore?

Eight out of nine members of my household were afflicted with this horrible virus… That’s 88.9% of the population!

I’d call that an epidemic, wouldn’t you?